How to give a cat a pill

Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.

Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop in the pill allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa, cradle cat under left arm and repeat process.

Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat under left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Prize jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth closed for a count of ten.

Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.

Call spouse for help.

Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.

Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth,drop pill down along ruler and rub cats throat vigorously.

Retrieve cat from curtain rail and get another pill from foil wrap.

Make note to buy new ruler and mend curtains.

Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from under armpit, put pill in the end of a drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

Check label to see side effects if swallowed by humans, make tea to take taste away.

NOTE- Cool soapy water will remove blood from fabrics and upholstery.

Call fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.

Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.

How to give a dog a pill

1. Wrap it in bacon

2. Toss it into the air